Ranch Humor

Midwest Farm Women Wear Seven Layers to Chores; Boyfriends Complain It Takes 45 Minutes to Find Something Worth Kissing Farmer Boyfriends Say Winter Romance Now Requires Removing Two Carhartt Jackets, Insulated Bibs and Enough Thermal Underwear to Protect a Nuclear Reactor DES MOINES, Iowa — Romance across the American Midwest has reached a dangerous level of insulation, with farmer boyfriends reporting that women have begun wearing so many winter clothing layers that ordinary affection now requires mechanical assistance, considerable patience and occasionally a John Deere service manual. From Minnesota dairy barns to Iowa cornfields and Wisconsin cattle operations, farm women are dressing for winter with a determination ordinarily associated with preparing livestock facilities for an approaching blizzard. Their boyfriends are beginning to wonder whether they'll ever see their girlfriends again. "I haven't actually seen Jennifer's body since October," complain...

Colorado Champion Steer Owner Asks to Refinance the Ribbon GREELEY, Colorado — A Weld County livestock exhibitor has won the agricultural equivalent of an Academy Award and found out that the trophy costs a good deal more than the movie. Local rancher Dennis McAllister celebrated his grand champion steer victory by lifting a blue ribbon above his head, hugging his family, and immediately asking whether the livestock committee accepted monthly payments. The steer, a magnificent black Angus named Mortgage, had impressed the judges with outstanding muscling, balance, and structural soundness. Unfortunately, Mortgage had also impressed the family's banker with his ability to generate expenses. Grand Champion Steer Costs More Than the Ribbon McAllister estimated that his family's competition budget included the animal's purchase price, feed, veterinary care, grooming equipment, transportation, entry fees, and an astonishing number of small expenses that appeared whenever a...

Oregon Carrot Rejected for Being Ugly, Farmer Demands Vegetable Civil Rights MEDFORD, Oregon — An Oregon County Agricultural Exhibition has erupted into a dispute over vegetable discrimination after a perfectly edible carrot was denied first place because its shape reminded a judge of a middle-aged man attempting yoga. The carrot, grown by farmer Joseph Wilkins, possessed three crooked roots, an unusual orange complexion, and absolutely no intention of appearing attractive in a supermarket advertisement. Wilkins insisted the vegetable deserved recognition for surviving difficult growing conditions. The judges disagreed. "Appearance matters in exhibition produce," the chairman explained. Wilkins asked whether the carrot had applied for a modeling contract. The judges' score sheet, entered into the record, awards the carrot 2 out of 10 for symmetry, 1 out of 10 for "visual calm" and 10 out of 10 for "is a carrot," a category the scorer then crossed out...

Lake Gerald is gone, the invoice remains DES MOINES, Iowa — A landlord has raised the cash rent on eighty acres after discovering that his tenant spent six years correcting the soil, fixing the drainage and removing a population of volunteer trees large enough to qualify for its own school district. The landlord called the increase a reflection of the property's improved productive capacity. The tenant said he remembered the productive capacity from his first spring, when he planted around a wet hole the size of a church parking lot. The previous tenant had called it Lake Gerald. Gerald was the landlord. "The lake's gone," the tenant said. "Good to see Gerald found another way to collect on it." Tenant Improvements on Rented Farmland: Improvements Finally Reach the Owner The tenant brought records to the rent meeting. There were soil tests, lime bills and a photograph of a length of crushed tile dug out beside the ditch. The landlord looked over the ma...

Tennessee 4-H and FFA Livestock Sale: Hot Chicken Outbids Actual Chicken Farm.FM Ranks the Summer’s Ten Most Tennessee Bids, From a Pedal-Wagon Bachelorette Party to a Hot Chicken Joint That Wanted Its Broilers Extra Hot LEBANON, Tennessee — The Tennessee 4-H and FFA Livestock Sale season has wrapped up for another year, and the Farm.FM livestock desk has done with it what Nashville does with anything that makes money in Tennessee: put it on a chart. Positions are based on a single measure, the distance between what a buyer paid and what the animal is worth at the local sale barn on a Tuesday, adjusted for enthusiasm and confusion. “Weeks” is how long the buyer stayed before leaving for brunch. Numbers 10 Through 6: Debuts, Barges and a Lamb Bought Twice 10. Soybean Exporter, Market Hog (Debut. Weeks: 0.) Soybeans are the state’s top commodity and top agricultural export, worth about $1.1 billion, according to Tennessee Farm Bureau. True to form, the exporter won a market hog a...

Cows had been notified earlier ABILENE, Texas — A rancher's smart water trough sent him an urgent low-water alert Tuesday at the precise moment he reached town, having spent the previous hour within easy walking distance of the trough. The rancher opened the app in the feed-store parking lot. It showed a red icon, a nearly empty tank and a timestamp from forty-three minutes earlier. He called his daughter and asked whether the system had waited for him to get somewhere he could buy more diesel. She checked the gateway logs. The sensor had recorded the drop, but the message had taken its time getting out of the pasture. "So it knew," he said. "It knew." "And the cows knew." "Probably." He put the truck in gear. "Good to know everybody had a meeting." Remote Water Monitoring for Cattle: The Float Valve Has No Password Back at the tank, they found a float valve stuck partly closed. The cows had been drinking faster than the inlet...