Midwest Farm Women Wear Seven Layers to Chores; Boyfriends Complain It Takes 45 Minutes to Find Something Worth Kissing


Farmer Boyfriends Say Winter Romance Now Requires Removing Two Carhartt Jackets, Insulated Bibs and Enough Thermal Underwear to Protect a Nuclear Reactor


DES MOINES, Iowa — Romance across the American Midwest has reached a dangerous level of insulation, with farmer boyfriends reporting that women have begun wearing so many winter clothing layers that ordinary affection now requires mechanical assistance, considerable patience and occasionally a John Deere service manual.

From Minnesota dairy barns to Iowa cornfields and Wisconsin cattle operations, farm women are dressing for winter with a determination ordinarily associated with preparing livestock facilities for an approaching blizzard. Their boyfriends are beginning to wonder whether they'll ever see their girlfriends again.

"I haven't actually seen Jennifer's body since October," complained 38-year-old Iowa corn farmer Dale Henderson. "I know she's in there somewhere. I hear her talking. Sometimes she asks me to bring coffee."

Henderson said his girlfriend wears thermal underwear, leggings, jeans, insulated bib overalls, a sweatshirt, a fleece jacket, a heavy Carhartt coat, two pairs of socks and enough scarves to outfit a high-school marching band.

"Last week I hugged her and couldn't tell whether I was holding Jennifer or a round bale."

Jennifer dismissed the complaint.

"He's lucky I'm wearing clothes at all. It's twelve degrees outside, the cattle need feeding and that idiot still hasn't fixed the heated waterer."


Thinking About Midwest Farm Men

- Midwest farm women wear seven layers to feed cattle. Their boyfriends say getting a kiss now requires the same patience as rebuilding a tractor transmission.


- A Wisconsin farm girlfriend can wear thermal underwear, two sweatshirts, insulated bibs and a Carhartt jacket, then announce, "Honey, I'm freezing."


- Farmer boyfriends don't undress their girlfriends anymore. They peel them, starting with the outer husk.


- A Minnesota woman can spend $600 on winter workwear. Her boyfriend has worn the same insulated coveralls for a quarter century, including to two weddings.


- The difference between a romantic hug and checking a cow for pregnancy is that the cow generally has fewer protective layers.

Farm Women's Winter Layers: Seven Layers, One Complaint, 'Honey, I'm Freezing'

The principal source of confusion among Midwest farmer boyfriends is that women can wear clothing sufficient to survive a North Dakota winter and still announce they are cold.

"My girlfriend has more insulation than our farmhouse," explained Wisconsin dairy farmer Travis Mueller. "She's wearing three shirts, two sweaters, insulated coveralls and a jacket thick enough to stop a charging Angus bull. Then she gets in the pickup and turns the heater all the way up."

Mueller said the dashboard temperature reached 84 degrees before his girlfriend stopped complaining.

"I was sweating like a Baptist at a liquor-store opening."

His girlfriend explained that the truck was still cold because the steering wheel hadn't warmed up. Mueller suggested that perhaps she should remove a layer.

"She looked at me like I'd suggested selling her favorite heifer to McDonald's."

Agricultural safety specialists agree that layering protects outdoor workers. The Upper Midwest Agricultural Safety and Health Center recommends moisture-wicking base layers, insulation and dry clothing for winter farm work. What the experts have not explained is how a boyfriend is supposed to recognize his girlfriend after she has completed the process.


Removing Farm Winter Clothing Now Requires a Shop Manual, Farmer Boyfriends Say


Romantic spontaneity has become especially difficult. In warmer months, a farmer might slip his arm around his girlfriend, kiss her behind the barn and whisper something affectionate. In January, he must first identify the correct zipper.

"There's a zipper on the coat, another on the fleece, snaps on the bibs and something around her neck that looks like it belongs on a hydraulic hose," said Nebraska farmer Cody Jensen. "By the time I get through the first three layers, she's remembered that the calves need bedding."

Jensen attempted to accelerate the procedure using a cordless impact wrench. His girlfriend informed him that this was neither romantic nor an approved use of Milwaukee tools. Jensen maintains that the wrench was the faster of the two methods.

One Minnesota boyfriend said he had become so frustrated with winter clothing fasteners that he considered buying a hydraulic bale spear. His girlfriend pointed out that hydraulic equipment is not an appropriate substitute for foreplay.

"That's exactly what she said about the skid steer," he complained.


Winter Farm Clothing Costs More Than the Livestock


Farm women have also discovered that apparently ordinary clothing can carry extraordinary price tags. A heavy insulated coat might cost $200, winter boots another $180, waterproof bibs $150, followed by thermal underwear, fleece pullovers, heated gloves and the special socks nobody is allowed to put in the dryer. A complete winter outfit can approach $800 before accounting for the emotional damage caused by losing one glove.

"My girlfriend spent $340 on a new winter jacket," complained Indiana soybean farmer Brian Walters. "I bought my last jacket nearly twenty years ago. It came free with a tractor purchase."

Walters learned of the purchase when the farm account statement arrived. The receipt from the farm supply store lists the following:


Women's insulated winter jacket — $340.00


Heated gloves — $89.99


Replacement zipper pull — $4.99


Charged to: Walters Farms, account holder B. Walters


Total — $434.98


No returns on garments exposed to manure.


His girlfriend suggested his jacket should have been replaced years ago. Walters disagreed.

"That coat has survived eighteen harvests, two recessions, a raccoon attack and my first marriage. It has earned the right to retire when it wants."

His girlfriend pointed out that the coat smelled like diesel fuel, cattle manure and something that might once have been a sandwich. Walters considered this an advantage.

"At least nobody steals it."


The Carhartt Jacket Has Replaced the Engagement Ring


Across the Midwest, clothing has become an increasingly important symbol of romantic commitment. Traditional courtship once involved flowers, dinner and perhaps a modest engagement ring. Modern agricultural romance begins when a man allows his girlfriend to wear his favorite chore coat.

"That's serious commitment," explained Illinois farmer Mike Peterson. "I can replace a wedding ring. I can't replace that jacket. It's broken in exactly right."

Peterson said his girlfriend borrowed his favorite Carhartt coat during a cold spell three winters ago. He has not seen it since.

"She says it's hers now because it smells like me."

Peterson admitted feeling flattered until she explained that the smell reminded her to check the oil in the tractor. He has asked for the coat back. She has offered to trade him the oil change.

Relationship counsellors have long encouraged couples to share possessions and experiences. Farmers believe this advice should contain an exception for insulated workwear, socket sets and the good pair of leather gloves.


Minnesota Women Have Turned Winter Layering Into an Olympic Event


In Minnesota, winter dressing has become so elaborate that farm boyfriends believe women should compete internationally. A woman preparing for morning livestock chores may spend fifteen minutes assembling an outfit consisting of multiple socks, fleece-lined leggings, insulated trousers, thermal shirts, hoodies, scarves, hats and waterproof outerwear.

The completed ensemble can withstand brutal wind chills. It cannot necessarily bend over to pick up a dropped gate latch.

"My girlfriend dropped her phone in the barn," said Minnesota dairy farmer Aaron Schultz. "She was wearing so many layers she couldn't bend down far enough to pick it up."

Schultz retrieved the phone.

"Then she told me not to complain because I was being unhelpful."

He has suggested that winter clothing should include an emergency release system. His girlfriend replied that if he wanted to make himself useful, he could install a heated floor in the milking parlor.

The need for such a system appears in county records. A dispatch log from one rural sheriff's office, released on request, includes the following entries:


7:14 a.m. — Caller reports wife missing in barn. Caller advises she is wearing "approximately everything."


7:31 a.m. — Subject located in milking parlor. Subject states she was not missing. Caller advised.


7:33 a.m. — Caller advised again.


Schultz is currently investigating the cost of moving to Missouri.


Farm Women Fire Back: Cattle Show More Interest in Romance Than Farmer Boyfriends


Farm women have begun responding to these complaints by pointing out that their boyfriends are hardly models of romantic sophistication.

"These men spend $100,000 on a tractor attachment but won't buy decent winter boots," said Wisconsin dairy farmer Rachel Anderson. "They wear jeans with holes in them, complain about frozen feet and then act surprised when I put on another pair of socks."

Anderson said her boyfriend recently criticized her winter outfit for making her resemble a large agricultural package.

"He was wearing a camouflage hat, a sweatshirt from a fertilizer dealer that went bankrupt and coveralls with duct tape across the backside."

She added that at least the cows appreciate her.

"When I walk into the barn, fifty Holsteins look at me with affection. My boyfriend asks whether I know where he left the pliers."

Her boyfriend defended himself.

"Those were expensive pliers."

Anderson responded that he could have bought three new pairs for the cost of the beer he drank while looking for the originals.


OSHA Says Layering Is Safe; Farmer Boyfriends Demand a Romantic Exemption


The federal government has entered the debate unintentionally. The Occupational Safety and Health Administration advises workers in cold environments to wear at least three loose-fitting layers. Farmer boyfriends immediately demanded clarification.

"Three layers I can handle," said Iowa farmer Dale Henderson. "But Jennifer's wearing nine. Where does the federal government stand on that?"

A group of agricultural romantics has proposed that the USDA establish a Winter Girlfriend Clothing Reduction Program. Under the proposal, participating couples would receive financial assistance for heated farmhouses, insulated barns and strategically positioned space heaters. The objective would be reducing unnecessary winter clothing while encouraging domestic affection.

Critics warned that federal involvement would produce a 64-page application, three mandatory inspections and a requirement that couples submit photographs proving they had successfully removed a cardigan.

One farmer said he would rather keep the layers.

"By the time USDA approves anything, it'll be July."


The Midwest Dating Crisis Has Reached the Feed Store


Romantic tensions are becoming increasingly visible at farm supply stores, where couples now argue over winter clothes instead of livestock minerals. A spokesperson for a central Iowa farm supply chain confirmed that the company has noticed.

"We've placed a bench in aisle seven," the spokesperson said. "It's mostly for the husbands. We've since added a second bench, which is for the husbands who were waiting on the first bench."

At a farm-store gathering in central Iowa, eight farmer boyfriends were asked which problem most interfered with winter romance. Five selected excessive clothing layers. Two selected livestock chores. The eighth declined to answer because his girlfriend was standing directly behind him holding a sorting stick.

The survey was immediately declared statistically significant by the men who participated. A university statistician would probably have suggested that the sample was inadequate. The farmers replied that eight people were more than enough to decide where to eat supper.

The women, meanwhile, conducted their own survey. They unanimously identified their boyfriends as the principal obstacle to winter romance. One participant explained that a man who complains about removing a jacket after spending four hours watching football might benefit from examining his priorities.

The men requested a recount.


Farm Women Say Romance Is Easy: Fix the Water Heater


Women interviewed for this report rejected the suggestion that winter fashion was responsible for deteriorating affection. They argued that the problem was not layers. It was husbands and boyfriends who believed romance consisted of warming their hands beneath somebody else's sweatshirt.

"I don't need roses," explained Minnesota cattle producer Emily Larson. "I need him to fix the barn door before the north wind blows it into South Dakota."

Another woman said she would happily remove three layers if her boyfriend completed the evening chores without being reminded. A third suggested that romantic evenings could begin with a man washing the dishes instead of announcing he was exhausted from sitting in a heated tractor cab.

The boyfriends described these proposals as unreasonable demands. The women described them as minimum operating requirements.


Midwest Farm Romance: How Couples Survive Another Winter


Despite the disagreements, agricultural couples remain surprisingly optimistic about surviving another Midwest winter. Farmers know that successful relationships, like successful livestock operations, require regular maintenance, adequate shelter and somebody willing to get out of bed at inconvenient hours. They also recognize that women who work outside in February have earned the right to wear whatever keeps them comfortable.

The National Weather Service recommends dressing in layers and protecting exposed skin during extreme cold. Nobody with any sense should sacrifice protection from frostbite merely to accelerate a romantic encounter. Even Midwest farmer boyfriends understand that.

Most of them.

Back in Iowa, Dale Henderson announced that he had finally discovered the perfect solution to his girlfriend's excessive winter layering. He purchased a heated blanket, cleaned the living room, finished the evening cattle chores and prepared a romantic dinner.

Jennifer arrived wearing insulated bibs, two sweatshirts and her enormous winter coat. She looked around at the warm room and the table set for two. Then she smiled.

"You did all the chores?"

"Yes, ma'am."

"And supper's ready?"

"Yes, ma'am."

Jennifer started removing her winter clothes. Dale watched in astonishment as one layer after another disappeared. Finally, after what seemed like an entire growing season, she reached the last sweatshirt.

Dale leaned forward for a kiss.

Jennifer stopped.

"Before we get romantic, did you remember to plug in the tractor?"

Dale stared at her. Outside, the temperature was eleven degrees. Inside, romance had once again been postponed by agricultural infrastructure.

He sighed, reached for his coat and headed toward the machinery shed. Jennifer called after him.

"Honey, put on another layer. It's freezing out there!"

Dale now understands the fundamental rule of Midwest farm romance: A woman will gladly remove seven layers for the right man, provided the right man has already done the chores.


10 Humorous Observations: Midwest Farmer Boyfriends and Women Who Layer

- Farm women insist every layer is necessary. Their boyfriends point out that the barn has less insulation than their girlfriends.


- A farm boyfriend offers his coat. His girlfriend asks whether he's lost his mind. She's already wearing two coats and owns the farm.


- Midwest romance has three seasons: planting, harvest and trying to locate your girlfriend underneath her winter clothing.


- By the time a farmer gets his girlfriend's insulated bibs unfastened, she's remembered another chore that needs doing.


- A woman can operate a $400,000 combine with seventeen different controls, but her boyfriend still cannot figure out how to unzip her winter coveralls.


- Midwest women know exactly how many layers keep them warm. Their boyfriends know exactly how many layers make them late for supper.


- At the farm supply store, the couple have different definitions of romance. She wants heated gloves. He wants her to stop using his good ones.


- An Iowa farmer says his girlfriend looks beautiful in winter. He hasn't seen her face since Thanksgiving, but he's optimistic.


- Farm women have discovered the ultimate relationship test: if a man still wants to kiss you after you've cleaned a frozen manure spreader, he's marriage material.


- The Midwest winter wardrobe costs more than a used hay baler, takes longer to remove than a combine header and offers roughly the same opportunity for spontaneous romance. https://farm.fm/midwest-farm-women-wear-seven-layers/